Les Espoirs Fracassés

Il me semble que j’ai  perdu la raison de mon existence. La mort de Shahdi a complètement changé ma perspective de la vie. Je ne vois pas pourquoi  je continue de vivre. Je suis déprimée et prêt pour la fin. Tout cet effort quotidien pour quoi?  Ma seule fille, qui était la pomme de mes yeux, est partie. Je n'ai plus personne avec qui je peux partager  mes sentiments de femme. Shahdi m'aurait compris et peut-être un de ces jours elle pourrait être devenue mon confident, mon meilleure amie, comme je suis à ma maman. J'ai perdu cette possibilité pour toujours.

Six months

My Dear Shahdi, “Nour-e Cheshmam”,

It has been six months since the night your lifeless body was carried out of your childhood home as your father, grandfather and I were standing in the hallway, in shock and utter disbelief, helplessly watching your final departure. The home you happily entered at the age of two and left twenty six days short of your 20th birthday. You almost made it to your third decade of life - almost.

Gloomy Day in Omaha

It is a very gloomy day in Omaha, rainy with a totally gray overcast sky and cool weather. However, nature's dreariness today sort of fits my mood. When I see the rain, I cannot  help but think of Shahdi in her white coffin. All through winter, I knew that she most likely was preserved as I bid farewell to her before her coffin's lid was lowered down and closed for the last time, due to the freezing temperature and lack of moisture. However, ever since the April showers started and the weather started warming up, I have not been able to stop thinking of how she looks now. Is her coffin flooded?  Is she soaked in water and mud?  How does her beautiful face look now?  Decomposing? Looking like zombies, who she portrayed several years at Lincoln's Zombie Walk? What is happening to my gorgeous daughter? 

My Fashion Consultant

Shahdi used to be my fashion consultant. Sometimes I would ask her opinion but at other times she would volunteer it without being asked! One of her favorite adjectives to use when she disliked something I had bought was 'hideous'! I have a few purses and skirts which were given that label by Shahdi! She took it very seriously when her opinion was solicited on an outfit or object. Hence, her opinions were not for people with a faint heart because she could be quite critical in her honesty and frankness. I appreciated those qualities in her though. I knew that if Shahdi approved of something, it must be perfect. She was very detail-oriented and a perfectionist and applied these principles to her own grooming as well when she was getting ready to go out. Her hair and makeup had to be flawless. She generally took very good care of her face and I shared my moisturizers, cleansers, and facial masks with her, or I should say she shared them with me! I had told her many times that she didn't yet need much of them at her age, but she didn't believe me. It breaks my heart to pieces when I think of how her beautiful skin must look now... My mother adored Shahdi and the fact that it was very important to Shahdi to look beautiful. Shahdi had definitely inherited this characteristic from her grandmother and not from me!

Queen of Brownies

When Shahdi became a vegetarian in ninth grade, she slowly started experimenting with cooking simple food for herself. Towards the end, she had mastered a few dishes including ‘Thai peanut sauté’. She had learned the recipe from her brother but had slightly modified it to her taste. A few of her friends told me later how they loved her cooking. One of the dishes she prepared, which I really liked, was made with cauliflowers. She cooked a whole cauliflower, then mashed and mixed it with melted cheese, garlic, salt and pepper. It looked like mashed potatoes but the flavor was very different and distinct.  One of her favorite spices, which she liberally sprinkled on all her hot food, was garlic powder. Once she liked the taste of something, it would become her favorite.  Then, she would eat it regularly for a few weeks until she would get tired of it. At one point, baked potatoes with different toppings were her favorite and she would fix some for herself after school. I always kept a stack of frozen Lean Cuisine vegetarian dishes and pizza in the freezer. Every time I saw a new vegetarian dish, I would get it for her to try. Sometimes it was a hit, sometimes not. If she didn't like it, she would ask me not to buy it again. In fact, there are still a few of those entrees in the freezer because my beloved Shahdi did not have enough time to finish them all. So sad indeed…

Peace

About a month after the passing of my dear Shahdi, friends and relatives started encouraging me to quit wearing the mourning color of black. My polite response to them was that I would stop wearing black when I would reach some level of internal peace with this colossal tragedy that transformed my life into an abyss of regrets, longing, and sorrow.

Five months later, I am still wearing black because peace has not yet been within my reach. Peace eludes me. Black fits my mood which is shrouded under dense black clouds. Clouds which belong to a savage storm that invaded my life a few months ago.  A storm with severe lightening, fierce winds, and flooding rain which has stayed around for months and is only slightly letting up lately. In the virtual island where I reside now, the island of the “Unfortunate Parents”, it rains forever and the blue sky is always covered by the dark clouds. If I reach some level of peace, I might be able to move into a neighborhood on this virtual island where the effects of the storm are not as intense, where the dark clouds are still there but the lightening is less frequent and the rain is more intermittent.   

Forever

A few days after the passing of my darling Shahdi, a fear started growing in me of Shahdi being forgotten over time. I became afraid that someday no one will even remember that she once existed!  That there once lived this beautiful intelligent kind girl called, Shahdi M. Negahban. Thus, I started researching how I could keep her memory alive. I looked into establishing a foundation in her honor but realized that it needed either private funding or continuously active fund-raising.  The former is not an option for us and the latter would be very difficult due to the full-time work schedule of both me and Mehrdad. Another alternative was creating a website to provide help to troubled teens.  I have not given up on that idea but it would require a lot of research and planning.

Five Months...

My Dearest,

It has been five months since your departure from our imperfect world but it feels much longer to me. You cannot imagine how I miss you darling: your voice, your calling me "Mommy", your beautiful face, your wonderful laugh, your long hair... I simply miss everything that embodied you.

Grief exposes one to a range of new and strange feelings and emotions. Sometimes while surrounded by people, I can feel totally alone and out of place. In the middle of conversations, meetings, outings, I can feel totally detached and isolated - like in the movies when they first show a character in the middle of a busy place and then they black out the background, showing only the character in deep thought. Except in my case, it is not a movie set; it is my reality, my life, my real emotions and the real feeling of isolation in a group. In such moments, my only thought is you, my darling daughter; the only feeling is the longing to see and hold you in my arms again; everything else is obscure and unimportant.

Shahdi joon, you are loved and missed beyond words can express. You know…

Rotating-Beds Ritual

My beloved mother-in-law used to be amused during her visits by the nighttime activity at our house! She found it interesting that where (which bedroom) we went to bed was usually not the same as where we woke up!! When the kids were under 10 or 11 years old, they occasionally would get up in the middle of the night and crawl in bed with us. The first one up was usually Shahdi. Both Mehrdad and I loved to have the kids over, even though sometimes it was hard to fit four people in our bed! As the kids grew bigger and took more bed space, something or someone had to give! Therefore, after the kids would join us, either Mehrdad or I would get up and go to a vacant bed in another room! Sometimes we were followed a short while later by the kids! At times it was hilarious, but at other times when we needed a good uninterrupted sleep on a work or school night, it was exhausting! I loved snuggling in bed with little Shahdi. She looked and slept like a small angel. However, as the angel grew bigger and stronger, it became a little harder to sleep next to her because occasionally as she was tossing and turning in her sleep, you would get hit in the face or head with one of her arms or hands!! Or, you could get hit on the side by one of her knees! Thus, that is when the amusing rotating-beds ritual started at our house!

Missing You

Dearest Shahdi,

I am so glad that I had the opportunity to share my socks, jewelry, scarves, belts, skirts, sweatshirts, headbands, hair products, makeup, perfume, yoga pants, hats, gloves, hair brushes, tapestries, vases, candle holders, etc. with you. Forgive me darling for losing my temper sometimes when I was looking for a specific thing in my drawers and found it missing. Forgive me for scolding you for not returning them to their original place after you were done using them.  How stupid I was indeed for getting upset over such trivial matters!