Shahdi used to be my fashion consultant. Sometimes I would ask her opinion but at other times she would volunteer it without being asked! One of her favorite adjectives to use when she disliked something I had bought was 'hideous'! I have a few purses and skirts which were given that label by Shahdi! She took it very seriously when her opinion was solicited on an outfit or object. Hence, her opinions were not for people with a faint heart because she could be quite critical in her honesty and frankness. I appreciated those qualities in her though. I knew that if Shahdi approved of something, it must be perfect. She was very detail-oriented and a perfectionist and applied these principles to her own grooming as well when she was getting ready to go out. Her hair and makeup had to be flawless. She generally took very good care of her face and I shared my moisturizers, cleansers, and facial masks with her, or I should say she shared them with me! I had told her many times that she didn't yet need much of them at her age, but she didn't believe me. It breaks my heart to pieces when I think of how her beautiful skin must look now... My mother adored Shahdi and the fact that it was very important to Shahdi to look beautiful. Shahdi had definitely inherited this characteristic from her grandmother and not from me!
In addition to my mother and aunt, Shahdi was the third person who was unhappy with my body image. She always was encouraging me to exercise and get back into shape. In fact, last summer when she was in Philadelphia, she was shown the video of her uncle's wedding (which had taken place before Shahdi was born) in which I was dancing in a green dress. One afternoon last summer, I was sitting in my office when I got a text from her. When I viewed it, I was surprised by seeing the 'thin' Setareh!! Shahdi had not added any text to the video, thinking that the video by itself should have spoken a thousand words! After she found out that the video alone was not motivational enough for me, she occasionally sent me links to the latest fad diets or organic diet pills! I knew she wanted me to be healthy and to look good at the same time. That was one way she showed her love for her mother. I truly miss not having my caring daughter by my side to inspire and motivate me to engage in new fun activities and to have new experiences in my life journey. When I think about all the contributions she could have made to my life, to Mehrdad's, to Arman's, and to the lives of her other family members and her friends, I get overwhelmed with this enormous feeling of loss. It is still hard to accept that she is no longer around to enrich anybody's life with her laughter, wisdom, sense of humor, artistic talent, affection, and kindness. It is impossible to capture her exceptional soul in writing.
I recently joined a new health club as the first step in fulfilling one of Shahdi's longstanding wishes. The other night after a workout, I was relaxing alone in the dark sauna, sifting through some of my archived memories of Shahdi. I remembered a few years ago when she became interested in yoga and encouraged me to go with her. The gym to which I belonged at the time offered yoga classes. So, Shahdi and I went to a couple of yoga classes together. I now know that those were advanced yoga classes and not your 'everyday' yoga offered at most gyms, including my new one. To make the long story short, after the second class, my feet, fingers, toes, legs, and hands hurt so much that made me give up yoga for a few years. However, Shahdi did really well and was not in any pain like me. She continued doing yoga on and off, and then eventually did it at home on her own. As I was sitting there, I missed Shahdi with all my heart and soul. I wished she was sitting next to me, engaged in an animated conversation with me.
Long before black became her favorite color in clothing, she loved pink and purple above all colors. Apparently, when she was younger (before ten years old), she didn't much like my winter wardrobe, mainly my coats, because they were all in dark shades such as black, brown and gray. One day when we were at Von Maur, she had ventured off to the women's coat department on her own while I was looking at something else. A few minutes later, she came running back telling me that she had found me the perfect coat! So, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to where the coat was. It was indeed a nice coat and the color was winter white. She had me try it on and it fit. Then, she asked me to buy it. At first I was hesitant and declined. I said that the color was too light and it would get dirty quickly. However, she offered to clean it for me if that happened. In short, after a few minutes she persuaded me to purchase the coat. I still have that coat and is still as good as new because I had not worn it much due to being afraid of getting it dirty! How ridiculous does that sound?! Shahdi is gone, but that coat is still hanging in the closet as if no time has elapsed since Shahdi and I bought it together years ago! Shahdi asked me to wear that coat a few times when we were going shopping together over the years. I intend to put it to good use, as Shahdi would have wanted me to, in the coming winter.
Shahdi joon, I promise my love that I will honor your wishes and will try to get back into shape and to wear the off-white coat at every opportunity. The next time I wear that, I will try to imagine you walking by my side, holding my hand, with your head up, proud of your stylish mother! How I miss you every day of my life my darling! You didn't deserve such a bitter fate my kind beautiful child. I love you sweetheart.
In addition to my mother and aunt, Shahdi was the third person who was unhappy with my body image. She always was encouraging me to exercise and get back into shape. In fact, last summer when she was in Philadelphia, she was shown the video of her uncle's wedding (which had taken place before Shahdi was born) in which I was dancing in a green dress. One afternoon last summer, I was sitting in my office when I got a text from her. When I viewed it, I was surprised by seeing the 'thin' Setareh!! Shahdi had not added any text to the video, thinking that the video by itself should have spoken a thousand words! After she found out that the video alone was not motivational enough for me, she occasionally sent me links to the latest fad diets or organic diet pills! I knew she wanted me to be healthy and to look good at the same time. That was one way she showed her love for her mother. I truly miss not having my caring daughter by my side to inspire and motivate me to engage in new fun activities and to have new experiences in my life journey. When I think about all the contributions she could have made to my life, to Mehrdad's, to Arman's, and to the lives of her other family members and her friends, I get overwhelmed with this enormous feeling of loss. It is still hard to accept that she is no longer around to enrich anybody's life with her laughter, wisdom, sense of humor, artistic talent, affection, and kindness. It is impossible to capture her exceptional soul in writing.
I recently joined a new health club as the first step in fulfilling one of Shahdi's longstanding wishes. The other night after a workout, I was relaxing alone in the dark sauna, sifting through some of my archived memories of Shahdi. I remembered a few years ago when she became interested in yoga and encouraged me to go with her. The gym to which I belonged at the time offered yoga classes. So, Shahdi and I went to a couple of yoga classes together. I now know that those were advanced yoga classes and not your 'everyday' yoga offered at most gyms, including my new one. To make the long story short, after the second class, my feet, fingers, toes, legs, and hands hurt so much that made me give up yoga for a few years. However, Shahdi did really well and was not in any pain like me. She continued doing yoga on and off, and then eventually did it at home on her own. As I was sitting there, I missed Shahdi with all my heart and soul. I wished she was sitting next to me, engaged in an animated conversation with me.
Long before black became her favorite color in clothing, she loved pink and purple above all colors. Apparently, when she was younger (before ten years old), she didn't much like my winter wardrobe, mainly my coats, because they were all in dark shades such as black, brown and gray. One day when we were at Von Maur, she had ventured off to the women's coat department on her own while I was looking at something else. A few minutes later, she came running back telling me that she had found me the perfect coat! So, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to where the coat was. It was indeed a nice coat and the color was winter white. She had me try it on and it fit. Then, she asked me to buy it. At first I was hesitant and declined. I said that the color was too light and it would get dirty quickly. However, she offered to clean it for me if that happened. In short, after a few minutes she persuaded me to purchase the coat. I still have that coat and is still as good as new because I had not worn it much due to being afraid of getting it dirty! How ridiculous does that sound?! Shahdi is gone, but that coat is still hanging in the closet as if no time has elapsed since Shahdi and I bought it together years ago! Shahdi asked me to wear that coat a few times when we were going shopping together over the years. I intend to put it to good use, as Shahdi would have wanted me to, in the coming winter.
Shahdi joon, I promise my love that I will honor your wishes and will try to get back into shape and to wear the off-white coat at every opportunity. The next time I wear that, I will try to imagine you walking by my side, holding my hand, with your head up, proud of your stylish mother! How I miss you every day of my life my darling! You didn't deserve such a bitter fate my kind beautiful child. I love you sweetheart.
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