Six months

My Dear Shahdi, “Nour-e Cheshmam”,

It has been six months since the night your lifeless body was carried out of your childhood home as your father, grandfather and I were standing in the hallway, in shock and utter disbelief, helplessly watching your final departure. The home you happily entered at the age of two and left twenty six days short of your 20th birthday. You almost made it to your third decade of life - almost.

There has not been a day since your departure that we have not missed you with every fiber of our beings. There has not been an hour we have not thought of you and the emptiness we feel, not only in our home but in our life as well. You are irreplaceable. For us, you were a most precious gift which was unexpectedly snatched away against our will.  For us, you ARE a most cherished daughter with whose memory we wake up every morning and close our eyes in the darkness of each night. For us, you were not simply represented by the beautiful body which was buried six months ago, but by the unique one-of-a-kind spirit which roamed this Earth for almost twenty years and will continue to keep us company until our end.  You did abandon your journey hastily and left without us, but we will continue our journey with you in our hearts and minds.  Whether you like it or not, you ARE with us until we take our very last breath! We still have two children, one who remains with us in the mortal world, and the other in the land of the immortals.

Six months have passed; however, I honestly can't claim to hurt any less than the day you left us.  I probably could have filled a swimming pool with all the tears that have escaped from my eyes in the last few months. The tears of sorrow for your short life and unfulfilled dreams. The tears of sorrow for your brother, who will have to continue his life journey without his loving sister by his side - the sister who, as seen in many pictures, used to always find a way to show him how much she loved him by her loving embraces, sitting on his lap, wrapping her arms around him, etc.  The tears of sorrow for your father, who will not have a daughter to worry about the state of his health, to make him brownies on his birthdays, with whom to engage in lively conversations, with whom to eat Chinese food, for whom to make pancakes on the weekends, etc.  The tears of sorrow for myself, for having lost my most precious jewel, my future friend and confidant, my intelligent outspoken affectionate daughter who added so much interesting flavor to my life.  The tears of sorrow for my elderly parents, who had to endure the tragic loss of you at their advanced age. And finally, the tears of sorrow for the rest of our family, friends and your friends who have been deeply affected by your loss.  Yes, my love, a lot of us are still struggling to make sense of your sad fate, and wondering how and why the story of your promising life had to end prematurely with the second chapter.  Why could not your life story turn into a book of multiple volumes?  I am sure it would have been an interesting book to read.  I am sure you would have continued to make great contributions to the lives of everyone around you. 

I am even mad at nature for trying to cover up your memory!  When I see the speed by which the grass has invaded the dry circle where your trampoline used to stand, I get upset. Soon, there will be no sign of the circle and the fact that your trampoline once occupied that space for several years. Nature can be ruthless!  Did you hear Zander and Reese inquiring after the trampoline on Saturday?  Had I had the choice, I would have liked to keep your trampoline where it was.

All I can say sweetheart is that my heart remains heavy with grief.  Every time I visit your grave, I ask myself the same question: WHY?  Every time I enter our house, I instinctively want to call your name as I used to do when I returned from work. Every time I open the basement door, I expect to hear your TV.  Every time I go to a grocery store, I automatically reach out to pick up some of your favorite items only to recall that you are no longer here to enjoy them.  The other day I saw this really cute dress by 'Free People' at the local department store, and I immediately thought how cute it would have looked on your slender and toned body. It was just your style. That is the reason I no longer enjoy shopping because I am constantly reminded of my great loss.

Thank you my love for teaching me not to be fearful of death any more.  Since your departure, I am no longer unnerved by turbulence when on board a plane, by driving on snowy/icy roads, by cancer, or by natural disasters, etc.  Death is now my friend because someday I hope he will lead me to you, my darling smart little girl.

May your soul be happy and at peace,

Love,
Mommy