Forever

A few days after the passing of my darling Shahdi, a fear started growing in me of Shahdi being forgotten over time. I became afraid that someday no one will even remember that she once existed!  That there once lived this beautiful intelligent kind girl called, Shahdi M. Negahban. Thus, I started researching how I could keep her memory alive. I looked into establishing a foundation in her honor but realized that it needed either private funding or continuously active fund-raising.  The former is not an option for us and the latter would be very difficult due to the full-time work schedule of both me and Mehrdad. Another alternative was creating a website to provide help to troubled teens.  I have not given up on that idea but it would require a lot of research and planning.

Sometimes though, I think this worry is futile.  As time has passed, I have realized that I have to accept that Shahdi’s memory will probably not survive, at best, beyond the next seventy years as the last of her friends and cousins are gone as well. Most of us, unless we have left some grand work of value behind, would be forgotten within one, or at the most two generations.  For as long as we are alive, Shahdi will live in us but after our death, her memory will die with us. Once all the people who knew her in this world are dead, she will cease to exist even in someone’s mind.  In my case, my memory was supposed to linger through my children and grandchildren but since I most likely won’t have any grandchildren, I have accepted  that after Arman and all my current close relatives and friends pass away, there will be nobody around to ever remember me!  Am I saddened by this? No, not really.  I have not made any great accomplishments in my life so in a way I deserve to be forgotten. But, I still wish Shahdi’s memory to live on for as long as possible. She was a very unique individual with many extraordinary qualities. What a pity that her life was cut short in such a tragic way.

What is ‘forever’?  What does it really mean?  Why do we use it so frequently in our emotional and spiritual references as if there truly were a time dimension as ‘forever’!  No one’s memory will live forever unless one leaves something significant behind such as a worthy book, a piece of unforgettable music, a beautiful song, a scientific breakthrough, etc.  Essentially, only exceptional human beings, who have made great contributions to humanity through their talents, will live on and be remembered long after they are gone.  Someone like Ezat jon, my father-in-law, who is immortalized through his books on Iranian archaeology, or Bill Gates for his global philanthropic work in addition to his technological breakthroughs. Therefore, for the majority of us, ‘forever’ is a meaningless word thrown around in every language and culture to give the illusion that life continues on for a long time after we are gone.

The best I can do is to try to keep Shahdi’s memory alive while I am still around. The essence of Shahdi, her character, her personality, her favorite food, music, book, movie or activity, are only known to me, her living immediate family and her close friends. That is the part of Shahdi which is worth preserving. However, it is very difficult to capture her essence in writing.  I will try as hard as I can to keep her alive in everything I do and everywhere I go but it is a task against time. Once my time is up, who will take over her memory from me?! 

How I wish I was never entrusted with such a difficult task! How I wish Shahdi were still alive, building a future for herself.  How I wish our positions were reversed.