23rd Birthday

When Shahdi was young, her birthday was the most important day of the year for her, even more so than Halloween or Christmas. I suppose one of the reasons she always so looked forward to her birthday was because it was the single day when she completely ruled our household! It was the one day out of the year when everything was catered to please her, and when most decisions were made by her on how to celebrate her special day. Sometimes, the planning for her next birthday party started the day after her birthday!​ Shahdi was always a very responsible person, and as a kid, was always on top of everything which was assigned to her or in which she had an interest.

Third Anniversary of Our Tragedy

Three long years have passed since the last time I saw my beloved daughter and said good-bye to her before leaving the house. Time has NOT healed my wound. Certain wounds never heal. A broken heart and an anguished soul, due to the loss of one's child, never heal. The pain has stubbornly remained, hidden from others' view, but fully exposed again by a simple word of sympathy and remembrance. On the surface, it may seem as our lives have stayed on course without much change; however, that is simply an illusion, a false reality that only others see. The changes that have taken place are not visible to the naked eye because they have affected our souls, our very existence as human beings, our thoughts, our dreams, our hopes, and the future. 

Thank You Hillary..

Dear Hillary,

Sixteen years ago, when Al Gore lost the presidential election to George W. Bush with the help of the Supreme Court Justice, William Rehnquist, even though he had won the popular vote, I cried. I was furious at an ancient election system which did not equally value the vote of its citizens.

I did not shed a tear last night when I saw Trump's numbers surpassing yours. I was in a state of shock and disbelief like more than half of the country who had voted for you. However, this morning when I watched your powerful concession speech, your grace, strength, fairness, wisdom, and loss brought tears to my eyes.

Hillary, you did not need to apologize to your supporters. If anything, we, your supporters, in particular, your female supporters, must apologize to you for not having done a good job of defending you in the last few months against the barrage of baseless attacks by the Trump team, the media, the Republican party, Julian Assange, Putin and the ignorant Trump supporters who had believed the lies fed to them.

We have to apologize to you for putting yourself out there and making yourself a target for the relentless attacks by the bigots, sexists and misogynists, both domestic and foreign. You did not have to undertake such a monumental task of running as the first woman for the highest office of this land. It took a lot of courage, stamina, dedication and strong will to be able to withstand the amount of negativity you had to deal with in the past year.

I, for one, would like to offer you my most sincere gratitude for representing not only the Democratic party but particularly, the hard-working, decent, intelligent and patriotic women of the United States. You single-handedly bore the never-ending criticism and marched on, never wavering from your vision.

قلب شکسته

از لحظه ای که صبح چشمهایم را میگشایم

 تا شب که با التماس بخشش از شادی چشمهایم را میبندم،

 به این واقعیت واقفم که

 دخترم در قید حیات نیست و قلب مهربانش برای همیشه از طپش افتاده است. 

ولیکن گاهی اوقات این حقیقت چنان مرا از خودبی خود می کند 

که احساس می کنم قلبم خالی شده 

و در سینه ام فرومی ریزد

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart tonight. Thinking of the what-ifs. Thinking of my beautiful daughter who is gone forever. Missing her so much that my heart hurts.

Maddison got married today. I saw a few pictures of her, Haley, Jordan and Logan at her wedding. All of them were Shahdi's childhood friends. Maddi wore an off-white strapless gown. She looked beautiful. I remember when Shahdi and Maddi were in elementary school, whenever Shahdi cleaned out her closet getting rid of some clothes that she no longer liked, Maddi was eager to take home Shahdi's discards! She was over at our house so much that she once told me she had the power, just like Shahdi, to talk Mehrdad into getting her whatever she asked for! Or, at least, Mehrdad gave them that impression.

When Shahdi was in middle school, for a while she made sketches of her favorite wedding dress. When she got to high-school, she even bought a couple of wedding dresses from a second-hand shop in town. We have pictures of her wearing one of them which had a long train. However, she used to wear the short one to her dance class in her senior year. The latter was also her dress of choice when she embarked on her final journey.

My heart is very heavy tonight with regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and the obliterated future of my beloved child. Shahdi could have been at Maddi's wedding today, standing next to Haley and Jordan in the pictures, but alas, her beautiful face will not grace any pictures ever again. No more selfies, no more trips to Walgreens for makeup, no more of anything. :-(

Daydream

Tonight I was sitting in my parents' living-room, listening to my mother's story about a funny incident which had happened in her youth. As I was looking at her and her animated facial expressions as she was relating her experience to me, I suddenly felt the urge to look around the living-room and vividly imagine my grandmother, Mamani, Aunt Fakhri, Ame Jon Azize, Aunt Nahid and of course, my beloved Shahdi, sitting around the room, also attentively listening to my mom's story. For a few seconds my imagination took me over and I in fact could picture all of them in the room with us. I started to grin inwardly and felt warm and content. It was such a wonderful dream while awake. Once reality hit me again, I looked at my mom and wondered how she would react if I told her about my daydream. I did not share my thoughts with her because I didn't wish to dampen her spirit but I know that our little tête-à-tête would have blossomed into a jubilant, loud and cheerful gathering, had those beloved ladies been present too. If Mamani and Shahdi had been there, my life would have been simply perfect. They are out of sight but not out of my mind and heart.

My Fantasy

I am so excited!  My beautiful little girl is graduating from college this month! I am so proud of Shahdi and all her accomplishments over the years. As her name implies, she has truly been such a joy to be around and has been such a unique and positive force in our lives.

Nowruz 2016

Tonight we celebrated Nowruz at the exact same location where we had celebrated Nowruz for over ten years while our kids were growing up. I had not been to that ballroom in several years and nothing felt the same. I knew everything about the place, how the escalators led down to the big hall in front of the ballroom where Arman, Shahdi and their childhood friends had spent most of the evenings running around and playing while my friends and I were dancing on the dance floor to Persian music.

Final Marker

Visiting Shahdi this afternoon, I was surprised to see her partially installed tombstone. I was not aware that it was ready and did not expect it to be installed until spring. The cemetery worker was still working on it when I left the site in tears after a few minutes.

I looked long at the dusty tombstone with Shahdi's birth and death dates next to each other. Even after over two years, I still found it so hard to believe that I, a mother, had had the grand misfortune of witnessing the expiration date of my child displayed on a piece of black stone in a cemetery, with her name enclosed in golden roses, marking her permanent location on Earth for eternity. There will be no more travels, no more beaches, no more adventures and no more laughter for our Shahdi. She is at her final destination with her arrival date now stamped on her tombstone.

What can I say?? I let my tears express the tormented feelings which my tongue is incapable of articulating and my fingers are unable to type....

RIP our Shahdi - our joy, our life, our love...

A fate worst than mine..

​It is hard to find a parent in worst emotional circumstances than ours; but an article in the news today reminded me of the unthinkable: to lose your child to suicide AFTER he had taken many innocent lives before taking his own.

Living With Suicide

Undoubtedly in the normal cycle of life on Earth, as we know it, children are not to die before their parents. However, the laws of nature are not always followed and many a time the parents are left behind to mourn the death of their offspring. As imagined, such experience is the darkest for a human. The loss of a child is thousands of times more painful that giving birth to a baby. Why? Because it is an excruciating pain which never ends and continues for the remainder of one's life; however many days, months, or years left of it.

Marching Forward To Where?!

When one is young, one is encouraged to aim high, have seemingly unattainable dreams, and to march forward to reach them. However, when one is middle-aged, one no longer hears this advice, unless a colossal tragedy befalls one, as in my case.

Afraid of Forgetting

I AM AFRAID! I am afraid my dear Shahdi that a day will come when I won't think of you when I open my eyes in the morning. I am afraid a day will come when I am accustomed to your absence in your childhood house. I am afraid a night will come when I stop saying goodnight and asking for your forgiveness before succumbing to sleep. 

Tears are not a sign of weakness..

Why is it quite acceptable, and even expected, to cry of joy when a child is born, but tears of sadness for a deceased child are not tolerated long after the funeral? Why is it alright for parents to display tears of joy at every happy event related to their child but are frowned upon or pitied when they become tearful at remembrances of their deceased child? Why the double standard?

Tears set us apart from other creatures on this planet because generally they provide a window into our souls. Tears are the body’s mechanism in dealing with many raw emotions which cannot be as easily expressed by speech or actions.  Tears are the raw extract of one’s soul at rare times when the weight of emotions becomes insurmountable to bear. At such times, the only outlet available to humans in handling their emotions is through tears.  Tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of the beauty of the human soul which spills out occasionally in the form of beautiful droplets of translucent liquid. Tears are magical and ought to be appreciated, not pitied or forbidden.