I AM AFRAID! I am afraid my dear Shahdi that a day will come
when I won't think of you when I open my eyes in the morning. I am afraid a day
will come when I am accustomed to your absence in your childhood house. I am afraid
a night will come when I stop saying goodnight and asking for your forgiveness
before succumbing to sleep.
Simply, I am afraid of forgetting you or remembering you only on
special occasions, not at every moment of my daily life. I am afraid of losing
you for a second time by not keeping your memory alive, by not thinking about
you as you deserve, by not trying to share my life with you through our cherished
memories together.
I hope such a day never arrives because it would be devastating
for me. As your mother, I keep you with me in my heart and conscience
everywhere I go, just like when you were a fetus safe and warm in my womb. I
don't ever wish to forget you, even for a second. How can I? How can one
forget the joy of her life, the light of her eyes, the music to her ears, and
the fragrant smell to her nostrils?
My only links to you are through the memories constantly
floating in my head and the tangible objects you left around the house: art
work, writings, floral arrangements, clothes, hair accessories, school notes,
report cards, trophies, and of course, your chosen, Toby. However, I am afraid
of the weakening strength of the former, the memories. I already am devastated
to realize how I cannot recall everything from your childhood. I wish I had
recorded every moment of your life and could watch them on demand now. I am so
frustrated with myself for not being able to remember everything about the
twenty years when you were an integral part of my life. I am afraid that as I
age, my link to you will become weaker. This possibility frightens me. How can
I ever forget you my darling Shahdi? Would my brain ever betray me like
that? I wholeheartedly hope my fears are baseless and you will continue
to occupy my thoughts and actions for the rest of my life. As your mother, I
pledge to dedicate my long term memory to you my dear child and to fight
against time and old age who will relentlessly try to separate us in the
coming years. I will love you and cherish your memory for as long as there is
an ounce of air left in my lungs.
Until we meet again my loving Shahdi.
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