Marching Forward To Where?!

When one is young, one is encouraged to aim high, have seemingly unattainable dreams, and to march forward to reach them. However, when one is middle-aged, one no longer hears this advice, unless a colossal tragedy befalls one, as in my case.

As a middle-aged woman, I now understand the truth about the importance of living a full life and making as many happy memories as possible. I understand it now because after losing Shahdi, I have had to continuously resort to these guarded and treasured memories in order to maintain my sanity in the face of my loss. I just wish I had listened more carefully to the advice given to me in my youth by my elders and built much more happy memories which I could recall now in time of need. If it weren't for these memories, I would have been crushed under the weight of my grief for my departed daughter.

I am now in the autumn of my life, having withstood a very strong debilitating back-breaking storm. What is there for me to aim for or dream about other than Arman's health, happiness and prosperity?  I honestly am unable to think of anything else. Maybe making happy memories for Arman such that his memory bank is fully stocked before Mehrdad and I leave the scene. Therefore, hearing someone telling me to "move forward" is meaningless to me. Where would I go? What should I dream to achieve? My best years are behind me. The present and the years ahead are shadowed by the loss of my daughter. One does not recover from such a loss. The only venue has been to continue being an active actor on the stage of life as if my life was truly only momentarily shaken by the suicide of my daughter. That is the farthest from the truth and my reality, but few are interested in my reality. Most find life tolerable only by "moving forward" despite any calamities that rise up on the road to happiness and fulfillment, which I find an unachievable illusion.

​One in my situation does not "move forward" but haphazardly floats between the present and the past, rarely with an eye to the future. 

In short, I would advise people with a similar predicament to look for comfort and peace in the precious memories of their loved ones. The future is unknown but the past is familiar through the captured memories