The Special Blanket

There has always been a sofa in our family-room. Shahdi spent countless hours on the sofas during her lifetime, reading, sleeping, watching TV, or doing homework. The other night, I was sitting on the sofa reading a book until my eyes started feeling tired. I looked up at the clock and it was a few minutes past midnight. All of a sudden I felt the urgent need to feel closer to Shahdi. Thus, I got up and found the double-layer black and white fleece blanket which Shahdi had made me for my birthday a few years ago, turned off the lights, and positioned my head on the sofa’s armrest, in Shahdi's favorite spot. As I pulled the blanket up to my chin, I tried to envision my beautiful Shahdi when she was making this blanket for me. I then wrapped the blanket tighter around my body, pretending I was enveloped in Shahdi's love and warmth.

Alas, I could not fool myself and my tears started flowing down my cheeks onto the leather sofa. But, I refused to move and go to my own bed upstairs. I spent the entire night there, hoping for Shahdi visiting me in my dreams. Unfortunately, my wish did not come true. I woke up in the morning feeling even sadder than when I had closed my eyes thinking of my loving and caring child.

I am grateful to have these mementos of Shahdi around the house but these objects can never fill her empty place in our home. I need to feel her, touch her, embrace her, see her, talk to her, and hear her voice,....  Yes, it hurts beyond imagination not having her in our lives any more. I wish Shahdi's passing was just a nightmare from which I could wake up. The reality is way too painful and cruel. And….only one year has passed!  How many more agonizing years do I have left?  Hopefully, not many, if I am lucky.  

I miss you my darling daughter with every breath. You are always in my thoughts, no matter where I am. I am always conscience of your absence. I am always aware of my sorrow and loss. Rest in peace my beautiful child. You left your Mommy, but your Mommy can never leave thinking about you and missing you…. never.