New Year

A new year is around the corner. Within a few hours 2015 will be upon us. We have survived another year without our beloved Shahdi. How is that possible?! How many more new years are left in my life? How many more new years reminding me of my painful loss?  How many more new years without my beautiful daughter to make them special? 

All my hopes, dreams, and new year resolutions​ were buried in the white box with Shahdi. Of course I wish for Arman's health and happiness every day. Those hopes are a constant, but the loss of Shahdi has wiped out any hopes and dreams that I had for me, for her, and for the four of us as a family. Without her, our family unit feels incomplete. 

Yesterday I heard about a complete family who perished in the AirAsia flight earlier this week - the parents along with their three children. I was very saddened to hear about the loss of all the passengers and crew aboard that flight, but when I heard about this family, my first thought was that at least they were together till the very end. Hopefully, if there is an afterlife, they will be together. Then, I watched an interview with an elderly Indonesian couple who had lost their daughter, her husband and their two grandchildren. Even though only a day had passed since the accident, the grandmother was able to stay composed. She didn't shed a single tear on camera and spoke of her belief in the afterlife. While watching her, I wondered how she could remain so in control of her emotions. After all, she had not only lost her daughter but three more members of her family as well. Then, I realized that I was envious of her faith. I envied her for her ability to accept this catastrophe as an act of God and believe that her departed loved ones were in a different place, but not finished. I don't share her faith and never will, but I could see how such beliefs were able to alleviate the pain of such enormous loss for this old couple. 

I have a very simple wish for this new year. I hope I don't hear any bad news and all my family and friends have a healthy and happy year. Since 2007, every single year we had to deal with a tragedy and loss in our lives, the most painful one being Shahdi's passing. I hope with all my heart and soul that we are spared this year from all tragedies and heartaches. 

May all my loved ones be merry and in good health this year.

The Special Blanket

There has always been a sofa in our family-room. Shahdi spent countless hours on the sofas during her lifetime, reading, sleeping, watching TV, or doing homework. The other night, I was sitting on the sofa reading a book until my eyes started feeling tired. I looked up at the clock and it was a few minutes past midnight. All of a sudden I felt the urgent need to feel closer to Shahdi. Thus, I got up and found the double-layer black and white fleece blanket which Shahdi had made me for my birthday a few years ago, turned off the lights, and positioned my head on the sofa’s armrest, in Shahdi's favorite spot. As I pulled the blanket up to my chin, I tried to envision my beautiful Shahdi when she was making this blanket for me. I then wrapped the blanket tighter around my body, pretending I was enveloped in Shahdi's love and warmth.

La vida no es justa.

Si no estás aquí Shahdi, la vida no vale la pena mi amor.

21st Birthday

My darling Shahdi, my beautiful child, my one-of-a-kind daughter,

       Happy 21^st Birthday!

What a pity that you are not able to celebrate your twenty first birthday with your family and friends. Today’s gloomy and rainy weather matches the sentiments of my heart and soul on this special day, which could have instilled warm and happy feelings in all who love you, instead of sad and nostalgic ones. I wonder how you would have celebrated your 21^st birthday. Most likely you would have gone through the birthday rituals with your family as quickly as you could, so that you could join your friends for having lots of fun well into the night. I so wish you could have done what your heart desired on this special day.

What I have learned in the past year - Part 2

Death - the Liberator

Instead of fearing death, I now understand it. I accept it. Really. I am now aware of its presence all the time. I know he can barge in at any time again, as an uninvited and detested guest who can easily pass through closed, locked, and shielded doors. There is no fighting him. He always wins the battle at the end. So, why fight it?  Just be aware of its real presence but try your best to live a full life, despite the ending.  Why? Because life is an experience with unlimited possibilities and scenarios. 

Bittersweet Birthdays

Today has been a bittersweet day for me. The sweetness is the result of the outpouring of birthday wishes received from family and friends from around the globe through their Facebook posts, phone calls, text messages and emails. Thank you for the warmth which your loving attention has instilled in my soul. I also owe the glow of my heart today to you.

¿Dónde estás?

Mi Querida Hija,

Hace milagro....y vuelve a tu casa! Por favor...

¿Dónde estás hermosa hija? ¿Por qué te fuiste?  ¿Por qué  mi amor?
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Time - Overrated Healer

Time is not the ultimate healer as claimed and its abilities are overrated. Even the passage of time cannot heal the broken heart of a bereaved parent. 

Hell

There is a Persian proverb which states that once the head is underwater, it doesn't matter how far down it is. Thus, if one is already in hell, can something worse happen?  I don’t think so. On the bright side, I am now confident that I can survive any other disaster or hardship that life has in store for me even though it has not been easy to live in this hell of despair and longing while trying to act as normally as possible every single day.