What I have learned in the past year - Part 1.

 Parenting is certainly the toughest job on the planet.  When I became a parent, I never thought I would be faced with the tragedy of losing my child to suicide.  I had expected parenting to be a lot easier than what it turned out to be. I had never thought of having to deal with mental illness, and was totally unprepared to deal with such challenges. All I had anticipated were the normal non-life-threatening childhood diseases or accidents.

I had always tried to stay positive and not think of the calamities that could befall my children, even though at the same time, I did my best to prevent any harm coming their way. But, when faced with depression and anxiety, I was unprepared, uneducated, and unskilled.  I was totally clueless and did not know how to handle my child’s depression. I read about depression but I lacked the skills to effectively deal with it in practice.  I sought help from the professionals, but at the end, they failed Shahdi as well as we did.  

In the past year, I have done more extensive reading on depression and that has only increased my guilt and self-criticism in not having done enough to help my daughter when she needed me the most. This guilt is with me all the time. I had always been proud of myself for being a fighter and a problem-solver, but I was finally defeated by my daughter’s suicide. I was brought down to my knees for my failure in helping Shahdi get over her depression and anxiety. 

I should not have put my trust in the medical field. I should have been much more proactive. I should not have been deterred by Shahdi’s rejection of my attempts to help her. I should have persevered and not given up and left it to her and her therapist. I should have followed my maternal instincts and intervened more, instead of worrying about her from the sidelines.

I can never forgive myself for not being the understanding and patient mother Shahdi needed during her teen years.  This was the one area in which I did not elevate myself high enough to face the challenges.  This was a tremendous weakness with fatal consequences. I wish I had been a smarter and more knowledgeable and skilled parent in dealing with mental illness.

Alas, I wish I could have a second chance. I wish I could retake the parenting exam and change my F to an A.