Pity

Now that life has labelled me as a bereaved mother and cast me into the permanent depths of despair, I sometimes feel like I am viewed differently by some people who have just learned about our loss. Although I do not have any issues with people feeling pity for me - I also pity myself and all other parents sharing the same predicament – but, I have an issue with people who stare at me as if I have suddenly grown horns or become disabled! 

I have run into people in the last few months who would inquire after my state of health but follow their inquiry with a rude piercing gaze, as if trying to break my composure and see me defeated and crushed as they expect me to be after the loss of my daughter. Even if I would assure them of my stable mind and body, they would continue their gaze as if my reply was not convincing or satisfactory enough. I have often wondered what exactly these people are looking for when they ask me how I feel.  Do they expect me to break down and sob uncontrollably?!  Or, do they expect me to sigh and faint?!  Or, do they expect me to open my heart in the middle of a grocery store, mall, or dinner party and pour out my feelings for them right then and there?!  

As far as I am concerned, the ones who cared about Shahdi and us are already abreast of the developments in my emotional journey since Shahdi's death. For the rest who have just learned of our loss, I have neither the energy nor the desire to invite them into my heart and mind, in reply to a simple, "How are you?"

Surprisingly, grief, even unthinkable grief such as the loss of a child, does not cause a sudden death. It may accelerate health problems which could lead to death overtime, but nobody suddenly drops dead due to the loss of a loved one, even if that loved one was a most dear child, a most cherished extension of their flesh and blood. Such is the colossal cruelty of life. The pain and suffering of bereaved parents are usually not visible.

It seems like some people find it odd that a bereaved parent is even able to stand up and not crumple down under the heavy weight of his/her deep sadness. I can attest that such scenarios may happen in private when nobody is around, but never in the company of others.

Feeling pity for others who have suffered a misfortune in life is a noble human emotion and I do not have any problems with people feeling pity for me because it reflects how kind and compassionate they are. It was only six years ago when I felt pity for Lauren’s family. Now, it is my turn.

Such is life!

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