The Final Impulsive Act

This afternoon, I was re-immersed in the darkest depth of sorrow and regrets due to some new information I received on the events leading to Shahdi's death. I had the opportunity to read the texts exchanged between Shahdi and one of her best friends in the last hour of her life. After reading Shahdi's messages, I realized that as we had guessed, Shahdi had acted impulsively to end her life in order to free herself of the physical and emotional pain she was feeling that doomed afternoon due to severe PMS symptoms combined with a debilitating anxiety attack. I found her at 5:20 PM, probably not long after she had taken her last breath.

 Ever since reading her text messages, I have been struggling with regrets. Had I arrived home a little earlier, I might have been able to save her. It seems like she was hoping I would get home in time to rescue her. And, I failed. Alas, I got home too late, way too late to save my lovely child. Why didn't I leave work a little early that day? Why didn't I follow my gut feeling that something was amiss that day? I felt very out of spirit all afternoon after Shahdi called me to ask me to get her some hair spray on the way home and also told me about suffering from PMS and anxiety. I was debating with myself whether I should leave early or not and finally decided to stay. Only if I had not done so, our Shahdi might have been alive now.

It reminded me of the second time I dreamt of Shahdi after her passing; the dream in which Shahdi was revived by the paramedics and immediately told me that she was sorry and she didn't mean to do it. Now, I know for sure that she truly did not intend to leave us that afternoon and she acted on an impulse to end her physical pain and be at peace. I wish she had followed her friend’s advice and gone to ER or called her father for help. Only if...only if....only if...