Compassionate Beyond Her Years

Last night, I needed to hear my daughter’s voice. Thus, I decided to watch one of the self-videos Shahdi had recorded in November 2008. She was fourteen at the time of the recording, about a month shy of her 15^th birthday. In this video she had expressed her longing for her best friend who had passed a year earlier. She was talking about how she missed her. How she could not get over the unfairness of the fact that Lauren did not even get a chance to celebrate her 14^th birthday. How she used to envision Lauren walking through the hallways at Lincoln Southwest high school, wondering how she would have looked. How she was thinking of Lauren every second of her waking hours. How she had tried hard to block Lauren from her thoughts but had not been able to. How she felt that she had not done enough for her friend. How disappointed she was that she had not been able to save Lauren through love. How she had believed Lauren when she promised her she would get better. How she had not been able to protect Lauren from cancer.

Hearing Shahdi express these strong and mature sentiments at the tender age of 14, truly astonished me because she was expressing many of the sentiments which I had been feeling since her passing. It was shocking to me how Shahdi could have felt such deep sorrow for the loss of her best friend – such massive amount of sadness and pain that I, as a parent, feel for losing her. It was amazing to acknowledge the depth of Shahdi’s love and compassion. She truly did have a heart of gold.

I just wish I had seen this video when it was recorded, not years later, after her death. It could have helped me get a closer insight into Shahdi’s heart and mind. I might have been able to help her or get her appropriate help sooner. Unfortunately, Shahdi was very reserved with regard to her private thoughts and feelings and did not share them with me.  I now understand better what my kind, compassionate daughter had gone through after losing her friend.  We already knew she took it very hard and was not able to overcome this loss. She was deeply scarred and hurt by the loss of her friend and was not able to let go of Lauren’s memory. I can understand how a parent will never be able to forget a lost child, but it is really unusual for a teenager to hold on to another teenager’s memory for so long. My poor girl.. How she must have tried to move forward but was pulled back by her friend’s memory.. How we failed to understand the depth of her sorrow. She was grieving for Lauren as I am grieving for her! That is indeed amazing and profoundly sad. RIP my darling girl..