Personal Grief Journey

In the weeks following Shahdi’s departure, several people encouraged us to seek professional help in the form of grief counseling, group therapy, grief videos and books. I have not yet explored any of these opportunities because I have not needed them. First of all, we had such an outpour of love and support from our family and friends in the first six weeks that hardly left us much time alone to ponder long over the tragedy that had befallen us. Secondly, Shahdi’s memorial page has been the best therapy for me personally.

I believe grieving for a loved one is a very personal process and varies greatly from one individual to the next. Grieving for a deceased child is such a painfully difficult task that can consume all of one’s attention and emotion for a long time. There is no formula which can be applied to all grieving parents because the variables are indeed so ‘variable’ between families and individuals. Each parent’s journey is unique. Each parent’s path has its own custom-made obstacles, peaks and valleys. No two paths are alike even for parents who are grieving for the same child. Each person has to travel alone down this path and tackle the hurdles and stumbling blocks as they appear. Therefore, it made absolutely no sense to me  to read books or watch videos on grieving because no one could possibly foresee the obstructions which were placed on my personal path. Even I did not know the type of barriers I was going to encounter on my path. I have discovered them as I have been travelling on this path in the last few months. I still do not know what my future impediments will be. I simply have no choice but to continue on the path and confront them as they appear.

Naturally, I did not wish to be on this path but once I was thrown there against my will, I wanted to experience it by myself. I did not want my judgment and feelings be influenced by someone else’s because they did not know Shahdi and they did not share my love for Shahdi. Whatever they shared could only apply to their situation and their relationship to their deceased child, but not to my relationship with my daughter. I did not want anybody to tell me when I should feel what, at what intervals, and for how long. I did not want anyone to turn my grief into an itemized list of steps that I had to accomplish. I wanted to be free to spend as much time as needed to grieve for my departed child. I wanted to be free to bestow as much time as possible on my beloved Shahdi, and to have the liberty to miss her as she deserved to be missed by her mother, who loved her and her brother more than life itself. Shahdi deserves to be mourned for as long as necessary as her birth is forever celebrated and cherished by me. No one can tell me when to stop mourning for Shahdi because they have no understanding of how it feels to lose a daughter like her. 

It makes me upset  if someone tells me to stop mourning Shahdi and start paying more attention to Arman and the rest of my loved ones! Such shallow commentaries show a total lack of understanding of my immense loss. As if I can EVER forget about Arman just because I have lost Shahdi!  As if I have been totally helpless and dysfunctional in bed crying over the loss of Shahdi!  Arman and Shahdi have always been inseparable to me in my mind. To me, they always were one: my children; united, bonded together. Clearly, the death of Shahdi has not made me abandon Arman! Maybe that happens to some grieving parents but not to us, certainly not to me. Arman was our first-born and was the only child for four years and now he has reclaimed that title again, albeit against his wish. However, Shahdi will always remain our daughter in our hearts and minds. She will always be Arman’s cute little sister who loved to carry her brother’s backpack for him and grew to love him dearly.

I will mourn my beautiful daughter’s death in a way that I deem appropriate. Shahdi deserves my attention and love in death as she enjoyed it in life for twenty years. I will not rush through my grief to make others happy. This is my journey and mine alone. No one can be in my exact shoes to feel what I feel and miss Shahdi as I do.

Shahdi will be mourned by her mother for as long as she lives even though the path of grief and longing might change with the passage of time.

Shahdi Joon - I love you my darling child. Words cannot convey how I long to see your pretty face and hear your voice one more time.  RIP dokhtar-e golam.

 ~33