A Joyful Dream

Last night I saw Shahdi in my dream, alive and well.  I was so excited to see her while thinking my dream had come true and I had finally woken up from my painful nightmare.  I showered her with kisses and hugs, holding on to her while my tears of joy were falling. I could not believe that she was truly there, safe and sound, in my arms. She told me she had not died but just gone away for a while.  Even in my dream, I struggled to believe it. I was thinking how it could be possible. I am the one who found her motionless body, I gave her CPR, I saw them taking her away, I saw her in her coffin for the last time before she was buried. How could I have experienced these events if she were alive, standing in front of me?

El dolor del resto de mi vida..

¿Cómo puedo tolerar este enorme dolor de mi alma por el resto de mi vida?

 No es fácil vivir sin ti mi corazón. Tú eras la luz de mis ojos, la alegría y la esperanza de mi vida. 

¿Por qué te fuiste temprano mi amor?

Miss you my love...

Shahdi Joon,

I miss you. Sometimes to the point of madness, such that I just want to rip my heart out of my chest.  I miss you every day, every hour, and every second. My life has no meaning without your presence. Memories can never replace you, and I find it an affront when I hear people say: 'at least you have the memories!’  How can the memories help me fill the gap in my life? How can they fill the need to see you, to see your beautiful perfect smile, and to hear your voice?  

Thank You Sweetheart

Even though we are in the dark depths of everlasting torment and will be for the rest of our lives, but I would like to thank you Shahdi joon, for having allowed us to experience a few years of sheer happiness in your company. 

What I have learned in the past year - Part 3

I used to think that non-terminally-ill individuals, who died of suicide, must have been very selfish because they ignored the consequences of their actions on their loved ones: parents, children, siblings, grandparents, and the rest of their extended family and friends. I also thought of them as cowards for choosing death over confronting the challenges in their lives and trying to overcome them. 

No More Hopes or Dreams

Remember the island I wrote about where the bereaved parents reside?   And its neighborhood with permanent cloudy sky and intermittent rainfall? I believe I am currently there. The non-stop storms have settled down, although jolts of lightening still occur every day at random times. One never knows when to expect it, because it can be triggered by anything: a smell, a memory, a sound, a tune, a picture, etc.  The tears still flow every day but not at the ferocity of the past, and rarely in public any more. Now, the floodgate of tears is mainly opened only in total solitude, at home or in my car, where the cries of pain and sorrow cannot be heard by anyone, where my voice fluctuates in intensity as my eyes fall on Shahdi's pictures and her artwork, or as my mind imagines her in different stages of growing up around our home. 

No More Suicides Please....

Today I heard the horrific news of the loss of another young soul to suicide. I was deeply saddened even though I did not know this young lady.  Within seconds of hearing the news, the events of last year were revisited in my mind and my heart was squeezed tight with overwhelming sorrow. The young lady who took her own life was not a friend of Shahdi but they shared many mutual friends. When I learned she had left an infant and a toddler behind, my immediate thought went to the two, now motherless, innocent children. Their chances to leading a happy, normal, and fulfilling life were compromised greatly by their mother’s devastating action. A mother, who would contemplate suicide and finally execute it successfully, was obviously not of the right mind and must have suffered from mental illness, probably depression.

The loss of this young mother reinforced my strong belief in the inadequacy of the available medical treatments for mental illness. Depression is killing the young and not much is being done about it. There must be a lot more research on the human brain and how to prevent mental illness in children and adults before it is too late.