What I have learned in the past year - Part 1.

 Parenting is certainly the toughest job on the planet.  When I became a parent, I never thought I would be faced with the tragedy of losing my child to suicide.  I had expected parenting to be a lot easier than what it turned out to be. I had never thought of having to deal with mental illness, and was totally unprepared to deal with such challenges. All I had anticipated were the normal non-life-threatening childhood diseases or accidents.

One Year and Many Thanks

A year ago today, on a late afternoon in November, our beloved Shahdi took her last breath in solitude. The only living being present, who unwillingly witnessed this colossal tragedy was Toby, and most unfortunately, he does not speak our language and we do not understand his.  Ironically, Shahdi was Toby’s original benefactor, the one who petitioned us to adopt him as a member of our family. This year has been a tumultuous emotional journey for us, and many of you, who were close to Shahdi and loved her as we did.

52 Weeks

Sometimes, time fails to heal certain wounds. A year after Shahdi’s premature death, the wound she left behind in my heart and soul is as fresh as the day she left. How could anyone expect the passage of merely fifty two weeks make any reduction in the magnitude of such pain? I certainly did not expect it, and therefore, I am not surprised to find myself still hurting as the day I found the lifeless body of my darling daughter. It still is hard to believe that Shahdi is dead; gone; disappeared; and out of sight forever. Sometimes, it feels like it was just yesterday when I last saw her and heard her voice.

21st Birthday

In a different life, under 'normal' circumstances, we would have been celebrating Shahdi's 21st birthday next month on December 22nd. I had planned a long time ago to give her one of my favorite pieces of jewelry which was given to me by my mother. Unfortunately, this piece would remain unclaimed in my jewelry box as the one from last year, the blue sapphire ring I had exclusively ordered for her as a surprise gift for her 20th birthday.

If I could turn back time...

Once upon a time, there were two smart and pretty girls sitting in the backseat of my car, whispering and giggling. I was on the way to drop them off at Southpointe Mall, in front of Chipotle. After having dinner there, they were planning on walking across the street to the mall. It was a nice summer evening in 2007. One of the girls had to walk with crutches due to some pain in her legs, the other was adjusting her steps to her friend's pace and trying to be as helpful as she could. They both were so full of life, dreams and hopes. At thirteen, there were so many possibilities for them having a bright future. They were two active intelligent girls, both in the gifted program at school, both on the verge of leaving childhood behind, both feeling the changes in their body and mind due to puberty, both interested in makeup and shopping, both trying to enjoy the moment, both oblivious to how their lives would change irreparably in a short few months.

Neither I, nor they, knew in that pleasant summer evening that seven years later, I would be driving that very same car to work on a dark and cold November morning, glancing through the rear mirror at the empty backseat, thinking of the two angels who once sat there, but are no longer with us.

If I could turn back time...

May they be in peace, surrounded by love and happiness for eternity.

«شاهدونه»

طفلکی مامانم که «شاهدونه»اش را از دست داد.
شادی شاهدونه، یکی یکدونه....

Pity

Now that life has labelled me as a bereaved mother and cast me into the permanent depths of despair, I sometimes feel like I am viewed differently by some people who have just learned about our loss. Although I do not have any issues with people feeling pity for me - I also pity myself and all other parents sharing the same predicament – but, I have an issue with people who stare at me as if I have suddenly grown horns or become disabled! 

Quelques choses ne sont jamais pardonnées...

Un mois avant la mort de mon chère Shahdi, nous avions tous voyagé en Floride pour assister au mariage de la fille de ma belle-sœur. Shahdi y était arrivée d'Hawaï, Arman de Rhode Island et nous du Nebraska. Mais, un mois plus tard, cette même belle-sœur n'a pas accompagné mon beau-frère pour assister à l'enterrement de ma pauvre fille parce qu'elle avait invité ses amis pour une fête de Thanksgiving, qui elle ne pouvait pas annuler!

Comment bizarre en effet! Un tel manque de respect et de compassion! Une fête a été plus important que la mort d'une jeune fille, la nièce de son mari !! Je ne lui pardonnerai jamais aussi longtemps que je vivrai. Ceci est l'humanité à son plus laid.

It is not fair..

It is not fair that I now am in the autumn of my life but my beautiful intelligent daughter did not even make it to her spring. Indeed, life is neither fair nor just.

It is not fair that

Car Talk and Shahdi

 On the way to Lincoln, I heard on NPR that one of the two brothers who co-hosted CarTalk on NPR passed away today. I was very saddened because I liked Tom and Ray and loved their program. While the NPR host was continuing her coverage of Tom's death, my mind was busy uncovering some old memories from over ten years ago. Memories with strong links to my beloved Shahdi.

Some Thoughts....

1. Do not look for justice or fairness in this world.
2. Hell exists in the mortal world but luckily only few get to visit it. Does    
        paradise exist too?