Unnecessary Apology

The other day, as I was talking to my cousin on the phone, he sensed my sadness when he made a reference to Shahdi, and immediately apologized for reminding me of her. However, I told him that such apologies were absolutely unnecessary.

I certainly cannot speak for all bereaved parents, but as a bereaved mother, I constantly am thinking of my departed child. There is nothing one can do or say to 'remind' me of Shahdi.  It is odd to think that a bereaved parent can ever 'forget' about the child who died. Shahdi is with me every second of every day and I do not need anyone to remind me of the jewel that I lost almost eleven months ago. Time might soften the sharpness of the pain I feel in my chest, but it will never erase her from my mind, not even for a second.  The pain of a bereaved parent is not visible to the naked eye but it is as real as someone who has lost a limb or his/her eye sight. Can someone with a missing limb ever forget the time his/her body was whole? Can they ever forget the day they lost their limb?

The reason I may get emotional when others talk about my beloved Shahdi is because my heart is touched by their remembrance of our beautiful daughter. I get emotional when I feel that others are acknowledging my pain, and remembering our lovely girl who once existed, breathed, had likes and dislikes, had a special character, had dreams and interests, and had her own way of doing things.  When my cousin was talking about Shahdi, it gave me joy to realize that Shahdi was not yet forgotten, that she still mattered, that she was still spoken of, and that she was still mourned and appreciated. It warmed my heart to learn that there are other souls who miss her too.

My tears were tears of understanding, of mutual acknowledgement of the loss we had suffered as a family.  If bereaved parents stop talking about their deceased child, it is not because they are tired of their pain, or that the grieving is over, or that they wish to forget and move forward. It is because 'others' are tired of their pain and grieving and wish to forget and move forward!  Thus, after months of mourning for Shahdi, I get emotional when I find other souls who are still talking about her as well. My tears are bittersweet because on one hand I miss my daughter to the depths of the Earth, on the other hand I am pleased that she is still talked about and has not been completely wiped off the face of the Earth. It warms my heart that I can talk about her openly without feeling bad about depressing others by reminding them of my loss. 

As a bereaved mother, I will never shy away from talking about Shahdi. I will not stop mentioning her name just to please others. Shahdi was and continues to be a part of me and my life.  She was a very important and cherished character in my story, and I am forever indebted to her for the nineteen years  she tolerated me as her mother, albeit maybe not a good one. She was one of my two priceless treasures in this world, and even in her ‘physical’ absence, she continues to be one of my two most valuable treasures.