My Darling Shahdi,
I might have been
absent from your memorial page for over three weeks but rest assured my
beautiful child that you were not absent from my heart and mind during this
period. I planned a trip with the sole purpose of building new, happy memories
with your brother; memories which will hopefully last a lifetime. However, I
know, even if I spend the rest of my life in pursuit of happy memories, I will
never be able to fill the deep well of sadness that your departure left behind
in my heart and soul. I wholeheartedly
wish you were there in person with us to be a part of these wonderful new
memories, like always.
The recent trip proved
to me that even if I travel to the ends of the world or the moon, you will be
my constant companion in spirit. In the last three weeks, you were with me in
every step of the way as my feet hit the pavements, the cobble-stoned streets,
and the dirt roads in Europe. Everywhere I went, I thought of you. Everywhere I
went, I missed you; I desired your presence; I wished to hear your voice, your
opinions, and your commentary. Every beautiful piece of art, building,
fountain, garden, mountain, farm, or animal I saw, I thought of you and how I
wished you were seeing them too with your own two beautiful eyes. Every pretty
girl I saw, reminded me of you. Every
attractive and slim young lady with dark hair and red lipstick brought you to
my mind and made my heart ache; made me think of the gorgeous daughter I once had. Even the little Italian girl on the train
having a lively chat with her grandmother reminded me of you and my mother,
back in the good old days - as old as last year - not really that old. The old
memories still remain so fresh in my mind, as if it were yesterday…
Many times a day,
while walking around, I talked to you under my breath - very softly, in a
whisper, so Arman would not think I was going crazy. Sometimes I extended my left hand, pretending
I was holding your hand. Sometimes with my eyes open, I tried to imagine you
walking in front of me in your combat boots, with your black backpack on your
right shoulder and its red shiny bow staring at my face. Many times I called
your name but there was no reply. Many times I had to hide my tears behind my
sunglasses. After all, I was there to make happy memories with your brother,
and I did not wish to make him sad or dampen his mood. But, a mother's heart is
forever filled with the love for her children, no matter whether they are
living or not.
While going around the
island of Capri in a boat, I saw a group of young people who were trying to
climb down/up the cliffs, and again my mind replayed the video of you and Ethan
jumping off a waterfall in Hawaii about a year ago. How the human mind can
play tricks! How life’s circumstances can change overnight!
In short, you are
inseparable from me my beloved child. For as long as I live, you are in
my every breath and every heartbeat. The four letter words, 'miss' or 'long',
are incapable of expressing the depth of my emotions, my loss, my longing for
you. Words are truly inadequate in expressing the hardship and pain of a
bereaved parent.
I dream of seeing you
Shahdi joon. Please visit me soon my love.
Mommy
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