Grandma's Necklace

With departure of Shahdi from our realm, our home, I lost interest in most things, one of which was vanity. Thinking of any type of self-beautification such as makeup and jewelry was repulsive to me.  Even brushing my hair seemed excessive in light of the fact that my beautiful daughter was dead and no longer able to brush her long hair.  Shahdi was always so interested in her vanity by taking good care of her hair, skin, teeth, nails and figure. However, she really did not need to invest much time in making herself look beautiful because she had a natural beauty which shone when it was least disturbed by cosmetics.  Thinking of my own vanity, when my daughter was decomposing in a box, felt (and still feels) like a betrayal and an insult to the memory of my beautiful Shahdi. 

A month ago, right before leaving for my trip with Arman, I decided to start wearing some jewelry to make myself look more normal to Arman and to reduce the representation of mourning in my appearance, even though my heart and soul still was (and is) in mourning. I wanted to appear as my old self while traveling with my son. I wished to look less mournful in the pictures.  At any rate, I tried hard even though I still found it difficult to think of putting ornaments on my body for vanity's sake.

Today, in order to brighten up my black outfit, I reached into my jewelry box and grabbed a necklace which belonged to my beloved mother-in-law. When I put it on, the first thing I did was to bestow a kiss on it. The second thought that crossed my mind was how Shahdi would have liked to have this necklace and how I can no longer pass it on to her. It made me feel extremely sad, beyond words can express. The necklace was a link to two beautiful women, one young, and one old, who played important roles in my life, my daughter and mother-in-law.

Then I thought of Shahdi's trip to Philadelphia in the summer of 2013, a few months before she passed away, when she had stayed at her grandparents' abandoned house with the purpose of organizing, sorting and packing their belongings. She did a great job and worked hard for a few weeks, alongside her uncle, and got the house in order. She brought back a few memorabilia from her grandparents to keep. My darling girl had not even taken most of them out of the box when she passed away. How sad indeed.

I remember when Shahdi returned home from Philadelphia, she told me, "Mommy, I wish you were there to help me pack grandma's things because I know you appreciated them, and would not have let them being thrown away. If you were there, you would have preserved more of her favorite objects which she had collected over the years."   Shahdi had such an affectionate kind heart, and she was saddened to see that many of her grandmother's favorite objects were not saved by her sons. In the last couple of years of her life, Shahdi had started to share her grandmother's interest in middle-eastern artifacts and knew that I shared her interest as well. My lovely Shahdi was thinking of the future, and the fact that she would have wanted to put those objects on display someday, at her own house. Alas, what a pity she did not live long enough to achieve her goals. 

Today, as this necklace was resting on my chest, close to my heart, I felt a closer link to Shahdi and Miriam joon. I hope Miriam joon is taking good care of Shahdi for me and is busy with teaching her how to do quilting, sewing and knitting. I hope they are in good company and feel loved.  I miss them both immensely.