Today was not a good day for me. It was MLK day and I didn't have to go to work, which was the only good part about today! In the morning I picked up my parents and we went to visit Shahdi. It is still unbelievable that I have to go to a cemetery and stare at a 3' by 7' patch of dirt to feel close to my daughter! How surreal! I still am not used to the cemetery visits. It makes me extremely sad to think of my Shahdi lying in her white coffin so many feet under where I am standing. It simply feels unnatural that her mother is above ground but she is under! That is not the way it should have been.
Everywhere I went today, I missed Shahdi. From grocery stores, to clothing stores, to the Mall. They all reminded me of Shahdi. I catch myself now and then staring at little girls or teenaged girls, trying to imagine my Shahdi at that age. That makes my heart ache so much. How I miss my little pretty girl! How I used to buy her stuff and bring them home when she was a kid as she would get so excited to see what I bought her. I wish my daughter were alive so I could buy her the world if that would have made her happy.
Tomorrow would be eight weeks since the day she took her last breath. This is the longest I have gone without seeing her. I expect her to return home at any time now. We have had enough of this. Let's end the nightmare and go back to the way we were. Let's have Shahdi back in her childhood home, living, laughing, playing,... I so miss her. Sometimes I scream as loud as I can when I am driving at night because no one can see or hear me. At home, I don't have the liberty of doing that because even if Mehrdad is not home, Toby is and he gets upset if I scream or weep. Thus, my car is my refuge, and only at night.
My dearest child, how I miss you darling. I wish you had not taken the path you chose. I wish you were still here with us. I love you with every fiber of my being and miss you immensely every second of every day. I close my eyes at night thinking of you, and open them in the morning with you in my mind. The first person I say good night to every night is you, and the first person who receives a good morning from me, is you. You are my pretty little daughter, "dokhtar-e gol-e man", "dokhtar-e yeki yekdanam". I love you sweetheart. I hope you are happy and loved wherever you are.
Everywhere I went today, I missed Shahdi. From grocery stores, to clothing stores, to the Mall. They all reminded me of Shahdi. I catch myself now and then staring at little girls or teenaged girls, trying to imagine my Shahdi at that age. That makes my heart ache so much. How I miss my little pretty girl! How I used to buy her stuff and bring them home when she was a kid as she would get so excited to see what I bought her. I wish my daughter were alive so I could buy her the world if that would have made her happy.
Tomorrow would be eight weeks since the day she took her last breath. This is the longest I have gone without seeing her. I expect her to return home at any time now. We have had enough of this. Let's end the nightmare and go back to the way we were. Let's have Shahdi back in her childhood home, living, laughing, playing,... I so miss her. Sometimes I scream as loud as I can when I am driving at night because no one can see or hear me. At home, I don't have the liberty of doing that because even if Mehrdad is not home, Toby is and he gets upset if I scream or weep. Thus, my car is my refuge, and only at night.
My dearest child, how I miss you darling. I wish you had not taken the path you chose. I wish you were still here with us. I love you with every fiber of my being and miss you immensely every second of every day. I close my eyes at night thinking of you, and open them in the morning with you in my mind. The first person I say good night to every night is you, and the first person who receives a good morning from me, is you. You are my pretty little daughter, "dokhtar-e gol-e man", "dokhtar-e yeki yekdanam". I love you sweetheart. I hope you are happy and loved wherever you are.
5 comments:
Dear Azadeh Jon,
Thank you for your kind email even though you neither knew me nor Shahdi. I certainly have depression now but I think mine is 'situational' rather than 'clinical' which was Shahdi's. I will certainly take your advice and seek help if I find myself stuck in depression, however, I really don't have much faith in the mental health system in the US. Shahdi was given a medication for her anxiety and I think that might have contributed to her suicide. But, counseling is an option if I find it necessary. Thank you for your concern. One correction: I don't have a PhD, my husband does. I have a Masters and was studying for a PhD a few years ago but gave it up for personal reasons. My email address is: smakinejad@gmail.com
Dear Setareh,
Thanks. Yes, you might be right. Here is written that a higher dose of these medications can leed to suicide thoughts:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_medication_drugs_treatment.htm
Unfortunetely suicide between ages of 15-24 has a high rate. It is the same everywhere in the world.
Thanks for removing my previous comment. I thought my family name would be visible, that's why I asked so. Have a nice day.
Hi again,
I read your husband profile; surprisingly we have the same research feild! Now I underestand better why Shahdi selected me. On the other hand, she helped me in my challenging thoughts of these days, which I may write you later by email.
Thanks Azadeh Jon for reaching out to me.
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