Forgive me..

Forgive me Shahdi joon for having been an incompetent mother by failing to help you, to understand you and your pain, for making you feel like I was disappointed in you… My darling beautiful baby girl, please forgive me. You were the apple of my eye, how could I not love you?  I didn’t like some of the decisions you had made but I was never ever ‘disappointed’ in you. You had your entire life ahead of you, filled with opportunities and possibilities. How could I be disappointed?  Your life was just beginning!  I was here to help and support you if you would only let me. I was your mother. I would have given my life for you. 

Please forgive me for my inability to help you. I tried but I didn’t get very far. I needed you to let me but you kept me at a distance.  I always had your best interests at heart and wanted to protect you from harm, sadness, and unpleasant life events. I simply did not know how to penetrate the shield you had put up against me. It seemed to me that you had sadly given up on yourself. I so wanted to tell you that you were so wrong, that you were so full of life, energy and talent and there were so many opportunities in your future. You gave up too soon my love. It was so unlike you. How depression had destroyed your fighter spirit! It was so hard to see you like that, like a bird stripped of its wings. How I wish I knew how to make you feel better and to regain your zest for life and the liveliness you had in childhood. The character which made your name fit you so perfectly.

I was not a capable and wise mother, forgive me. I was unable to rescue you from this illness that overshadowed your spirit. Please forgive me my darling. I failed you as a mother. I should have been able to do more, to find a solution, to help you in some way but I was not able to. I beg your forgiveness my beautiful angel. My precious baby girl….