Colossal Tragedy at Home

Today is Tuesday, December 31, 2013, New Year’s Eve. Exactly five weeks ago from today (Nov. 26), my life changed forever and I was forced to face the most horrifically challenging event in my life.

I drove to Lincoln after working all day in Omaha and got home at around 5:20PM.  I parked my car in the garage, entered the mud room, then the laundry room, and then walked through the family room towards the kitchen. The lights were on, so was the TV, and Shahdi’s PC was playing music. I called Shahdi but got no answer. Once I reached the kitchen table, I saw something in my peripheral vision on my left; turned to the left and saw something that seemed surreal: Shahdi was standing there with her back to me. But that was not all. There were two cables hanging from the upstairs’ railing, there also was the small black ottoman behind Shahdi. What did that mean?  No, I could not believe what I was seeing. I must be mistaken. This could not be what I thought it could be. No way!  I ran towards Shahdi calling her. I looked down; her feet seemed to be touching the floor. I looked up; her eyes were half open, saliva drooling from her half open mouth. I called her again thinking she was playing a prank on me. But there was no response.

Then I panicked thinking the worst.  While holding her, I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. I don’t know what I was saying but I know I was screaming that my daughter had hanged herself and they needed to send someone to 3800 Williamsburg Drive. I kept repeating the address. I must have been yelling because then Toby started barking at me. Then I could not hear what the lady was saying on the phone. So, I had to let go of the phone and Shahdi in order to put Toby in the laundry room. Then I picked up the phone and Shahdi again. The lady told me to get help and cut the cables. I told her I was alone and there was nobody to help me. So, I had to let go of Shahdi again, ran to the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, ran back and cut the cables, at which point my darling Shahdi just fell on the wood floor totally listless with a loud bang. In my confusion and panic, I was unable to hold her in my arms as I was cutting the cables and she just fell down like a marionette doll.  She didn’t look good. I put my ear next to her mouth to see if she was breathing, but I could not feel her breath. Then I tried to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation but the lady told me to instead start giving her chest compressions.  When I touched her lips with mine, her mouth was cold. My beautiful gorgeous daughter must have already taken her last breath some time ago and the coldness I felt was Death itself..  How tragic and sad..

I proceeded giving her CPR and shortly after the emergency crew walked in through the front door and took over from me.  They worked on her for an hour, trying to get her heart started to no avail. She was already long gone. They probably knew that she was already dead as soon as they examined her but had mercy on us by proceeding with their rescue procedures even though they knew it would not be fruitful.

They knew that the eyes of her desperate, hopeful, shocked, stunt parents were on them. The parents who were looking for a miracle at any moment.  A couple of times I thought she was revived because I thought I heard her cough but then they told me it was the equipment. How disappointing it was for us. As the minutes progressed and there was no reaction from her, our worst fear crept on us, the possibility that this was it and Shahdi was really dead!  How could that be possible?!  I had just seen her that morning before leaving for work. She had just woken up and was looking in the refrigerator for something to eat. I told her goodbye and left.

How could it be possible that in a short few hours, my darling daughter had gotten so depressed and desperate that she had decided to take her own life?  Why did she have to execute her plan so well that there was no room for return?  Why didn't the cable tear? Why did she do it? What triggered her action?  Why? Why?  A thousand questions that forever will be unanswered. 

After five years since Lauren’s death, Shahdi finally took her own life, probably thinking that she would be reunited with her long lost friend.  What curse was Lauren on my child’s life?  Why did Lauren have to leave such a deathly mark on Shahdi?  Why? Why could not Shahdi get over Lauren’s death and move on with her life? She had everything on her side: intelligence, talent, beauty, character, loving family and friends, financial resources.  But, all of those assets could not overpower the depression that had clouded her mind since Lauren’s passing.  We tried but we could not help her. One can’t help someone despite her will. She just was unwilling or unable to make a substantial change in her life and leave Lauren in the past. Lauren had turned into an obsession for Shahdi. It was as if the zest for life, which was so strong in Shahdi throughout her first 13 years of life, suddenly died in her after Lauren passed away. As if it were her fault that she could not rescue her friend from cancer and her unhappy end.  Shahdi’s mind was never the same after losing her best friend.  It was as if a very dark dense cloud had taken over her life. A cloud which we could not help lift.

Throughout my life, I have always been a very responsible individual, therefore, when I became a mother, I made the well-being and safety of my children my first priority in life. I tried to protect them from all possible harm for as long as I could, or I should say, for as long as they allowed me. Once they were older, they were more independent and I could no longer accompany them everywhere. I was always on the lookout for the latest vaccine, the latest health recommendations, the healthiest food, the most fun activities, etc.  I was also always protecting them from being harmed by others.  It never occurred to me in my wildest dreams that I had to protect my daughter from her own two hands!  How cruel life can be.  My daughter’s killers were her own two hands.  How profoundly sad and tragic is that?