Death

I am not afraid of death anymore. Death is now my friend; previously ignored and unwelcome, now in our close circle, intimately known to us. I am not afraid of death anymore because Shahdi was not afraid of it. If my darling young beautiful daughter was able to face death all alone, courageously and willingly, on that doomed Tuesday afternoon, so can I, with my old, heart-broken, tired body and suffering soul. I am not afraid of you Death! You took my daughter at the prime of her life without giving me a chance to fight you, to save her, but now I will not fight you anymore. If I have to go through you to see the beautiful face of my darling Shahdi, I will do that in a heartbeat, willingly and courageously as she did. I will depart with you as early as possible if you promise to take me to her.  I so miss her… Beyond words can ever express.  What is my life without the love of my life, the light of my eye?  I am nothing but a shattered soul, a grieving mother with a broken back like a crippled bird without its wings.

If in death Shahdi managed to achieve eternal peace, then I would like to follow in her footsteps because life without her would be a cruel slow torture for me. How could I enjoy living, breathing, eating, laughing, etc. while she is slowly decomposing in her white coffin underground?  There is no joy in living when the apple of my eye is no longer here with us. She was our Joy, our Happiness, as she was for so many long years until her soul was touched by the death of her friend. It seems like Death not only took Lauren but took Shahdi’s zest for life too.  After Lauren’s death, Shahdi was never the same happy soul she used to be. She changed completely and started on a self-destructive path, guided by Death. We tried to intervene, to push away the dark gloomy clouds looming over her soul but did not succeed. We thought she was finally getting over her loss and fascination with death, only to be totally taken off-guard by her suicide. Who would have known that the fate of such a happy beautiful talented girl would be to die by her own hands?  

Why could not you spare her Death?  Why did you come for her?  Did not you see that she had suffered enough by the loss of her friend?  Were you not satisfied with taking Lauren? Did you have to return to take Shahdi too?  Why? Why didn’t you let her live the life that she had envisioned in her preteen years? A normal happy life of graduating from high-school, going to college, falling in love, having her own family, etc.  Why did you deny her these opportunities?  I would have gladly given up my life for her and gone with you. I wish you had taken me instead of her.

What is the point of living with this enormous pain?  I hope I don’t have a long life because it would be like a long torture. After my parents are gone, I will definitely have no obstacles to disappear from the face of this Earth. I know Arman will miss me and that pains me, and I will miss him dearly, but the pain of losing one’s parents is more tolerable than the pain of losing one’s child. Arman would understand why I wanted to leave in order to unite with Shahdi, to see her again, to hear her voice, to hear her laughter, to gaze at her beautiful perfect face and those gorgeous eyes.  Ah, Shahdi joon, how I miss you my love!  My kind talented responsible baby girl…