Forever

A few days after the passing of my darling Shahdi, a fear started growing in me of Shahdi being forgotten over time. I became afraid that someday no one will even remember that she once existed!  That there once lived this beautiful intelligent kind girl called, Shahdi M. Negahban. Thus, I started researching how I could keep her memory alive. I looked into establishing a foundation in her honor but realized that it needed either private funding or continuously active fund-raising.  The former is not an option for us and the latter would be very difficult due to the full-time work schedule of both me and Mehrdad. Another alternative was creating a website to provide help to troubled teens.  I have not given up on that idea but it would require a lot of research and planning.

Five Months...

My Dearest,

It has been five months since your departure from our imperfect world but it feels much longer to me. You cannot imagine how I miss you darling: your voice, your calling me "Mommy", your beautiful face, your wonderful laugh, your long hair... I simply miss everything that embodied you.

Grief exposes one to a range of new and strange feelings and emotions. Sometimes while surrounded by people, I can feel totally alone and out of place. In the middle of conversations, meetings, outings, I can feel totally detached and isolated - like in the movies when they first show a character in the middle of a busy place and then they black out the background, showing only the character in deep thought. Except in my case, it is not a movie set; it is my reality, my life, my real emotions and the real feeling of isolation in a group. In such moments, my only thought is you, my darling daughter; the only feeling is the longing to see and hold you in my arms again; everything else is obscure and unimportant.

Shahdi joon, you are loved and missed beyond words can express. You know…

Rotating-Beds Ritual

My beloved mother-in-law used to be amused during her visits by the nighttime activity at our house! She found it interesting that where (which bedroom) we went to bed was usually not the same as where we woke up!! When the kids were under 10 or 11 years old, they occasionally would get up in the middle of the night and crawl in bed with us. The first one up was usually Shahdi. Both Mehrdad and I loved to have the kids over, even though sometimes it was hard to fit four people in our bed! As the kids grew bigger and took more bed space, something or someone had to give! Therefore, after the kids would join us, either Mehrdad or I would get up and go to a vacant bed in another room! Sometimes we were followed a short while later by the kids! At times it was hilarious, but at other times when we needed a good uninterrupted sleep on a work or school night, it was exhausting! I loved snuggling in bed with little Shahdi. She looked and slept like a small angel. However, as the angel grew bigger and stronger, it became a little harder to sleep next to her because occasionally as she was tossing and turning in her sleep, you would get hit in the face or head with one of her arms or hands!! Or, you could get hit on the side by one of her knees! Thus, that is when the amusing rotating-beds ritual started at our house!

Missing You

Dearest Shahdi,

I am so glad that I had the opportunity to share my socks, jewelry, scarves, belts, skirts, sweatshirts, headbands, hair products, makeup, perfume, yoga pants, hats, gloves, hair brushes, tapestries, vases, candle holders, etc. with you. Forgive me darling for losing my temper sometimes when I was looking for a specific thing in my drawers and found it missing. Forgive me for scolding you for not returning them to their original place after you were done using them.  How stupid I was indeed for getting upset over such trivial matters!