Shahdi Negahban at different stages of her short life (Dec. 22, 1993 - Nov. 26, 2013)

I love you sweetheart!

Forever My Beautiful Daughter..

Dear Aunt Nahid

In memory of my dear aunt, Nahid Mohrdar Ghaemmaghami (a.k.a. - Sajjadi), who passed away ten days ago in Tehran.

I was deeply saddened to learn of Nahid Joon’s passing. I loved Khaleh Nahid dearly and I am so sorry that I never got a chance to see her beautiful face one more time. This has certainly been a very trying period in the lives of all of us. In the last seven weeks, I have lost three family members: my darling Shahdi, Mehrdad’s Ame Ferdows and Nahid joon. I hope this is not a trend to be continued for the rest of the year.

I was so touched by Nahid joon’s several calls since Shahdi’s passing. She told me many times when she called that she wished she had died instead of Shahdi because she had lived a full life and Shahdi had not. Even though I had not seen her since 1979 but the love that we had for each other never faded and in the moments when I needed the support of my family the most, she reached out to me even though she was not feeling well. I will forever remember her love and support as I was grieving for Shahdi. Even though I was dealing with the loss of my beautiful daughter but it broke my heart to see Nahid joon weeping so hard for Shahdi and for me, when she herself was suffering from a terminal illness. She cried alongside me and did her best to comfort me with her kind words. She said it should have been her who died and not my young and beautiful daughter. I was very sorry to see her so affected by my loss and wished she was not told about Shahdi because I didn’t want her to spend the last few weeks and months of her life crying over my daughter. But, I suppose Shahdi’s death was not something that could be kept as a secret for long considering how big our family is and how news is shared on the internet in this day and age. I simply did not wish to add to her emotional burden when she was already suffering physically from a dreadful disease. But, she already knew and nobody could hide the tragic truth.

Difficult Day

Today was not a good day for me. It was MLK day and I didn't have to go to work, which was the only good part about today!  In the morning I picked up my parents and we went to visit Shahdi. It is still unbelievable that I have to go to a cemetery and stare at a 3' by 7' patch of dirt to feel close to my daughter! How surreal!  I still am not used to the cemetery visits. It makes me extremely sad to think of my Shahdi lying in her white coffin so many feet under where I am standing. It simply feels unnatural that her mother is above ground but she is under! That is not the way it should have been.

Everywhere I went today, I missed Shahdi. From grocery stores, to clothing stores, to the Mall. They all reminded me of Shahdi. I catch myself now and then staring at little girls or teenaged girls, trying to imagine my Shahdi at that age. That makes my heart ache so much. How I miss my little pretty girl! How I used to buy her stuff and bring them home when she was a kid as she would get so excited to see what I bought her. I wish my daughter were alive so I could buy her the world if that would have made her happy.

The "Unfortunate Mothers" Club

The “Unfortunate Mothers” Club

On Tuesday, November 26^th, 2013, I unexpectedly received admission against my will to an exclusive club, the Unfortunate Mothers Club!  I knew my grandmothers, my mother-in-law, and my aunt Guity had been lifetime members of this unfortunate club but I never in my wildest dreams thought I would one day become a member too. I would have done anything in my power to avoid it had I known the enormous cost of membership.

When I was growing up, I had heard on numerous occasions about the premature death of Aunt Ezat and Uncle Sehaam on my paternal side, and two uncles on my maternal side who had perished as young boys. It was not until I left childhood and entered adolescence that I finally realized the gravity and sadness of these stories. Until then, this history had not stirred much emotion in me, but as I became a teenager and my understanding of death became more profound, I began to understand the enormity of the losses endured by my family, in particular by my grandparents.

Forgive me..

Forgive me Shahdi joon for having been an incompetent mother by failing to help you, to understand you and your pain, for making you feel like I was disappointed in you… My darling beautiful baby girl, please forgive me. You were the apple of my eye, how could I not love you?  I didn’t like some of the decisions you had made but I was never ever ‘disappointed’ in you. You had your entire life ahead of you, filled with opportunities and possibilities. How could I be disappointed?  Your life was just beginning!  I was here to help and support you if you would only let me. I was your mother. I would have given my life for you. 

Death

I am not afraid of death anymore. Death is now my friend; previously ignored and unwelcome, now in our close circle, intimately known to us. I am not afraid of death anymore because Shahdi was not afraid of it. If my darling young beautiful daughter was able to face death all alone, courageously and willingly, on that doomed Tuesday afternoon, so can I, with my old, heart-broken, tired body and suffering soul. I am not afraid of you Death! You took my daughter at the prime of her life without giving me a chance to fight you, to save her, but now I will not fight you anymore. If I have to go through you to see the beautiful face of my darling Shahdi, I will do that in a heartbeat, willingly and courageously as she did. I will depart with you as early as possible if you promise to take me to her.  I so miss her… Beyond words can ever express.  What is my life without the love of my life, the light of my eye?  I am nothing but a shattered soul, a grieving mother with a broken back like a crippled bird without its wings.

If in death Shahdi managed to achieve eternal peace, then I would like to follow in her footsteps because life without her would be a cruel slow torture for me. How could I enjoy living, breathing, eating, laughing, etc. while she is slowly decomposing in her white coffin underground?  There is no joy in living when the apple of my eye is no longer here with us. She was our Joy, our Happiness, as she was for so many long years until her soul was touched by the death of her friend. It seems like Death not only took Lauren but took Shahdi’s zest for life too.  After Lauren’s death, Shahdi was never the same happy soul she used to be. She changed completely and started on a self-destructive path, guided by Death. We tried to intervene, to push away the dark gloomy clouds looming over her soul but did not succeed. We thought she was finally getting over her loss and fascination with death, only to be totally taken off-guard by her suicide. Who would have known that the fate of such a happy beautiful talented girl would be to die by her own hands?  

Why could not you spare her Death?  Why did you come for her?  Did not you see that she had suffered enough by the loss of her friend?  Were you not satisfied with taking Lauren? Did you have to return to take Shahdi too?  Why? Why didn’t you let her live the life that she had envisioned in her preteen years? A normal happy life of graduating from high-school, going to college, falling in love, having her own family, etc.  Why did you deny her these opportunities?  I would have gladly given up my life for her and gone with you. I wish you had taken me instead of her.

What is the point of living with this enormous pain?  I hope I don’t have a long life because it would be like a long torture. After my parents are gone, I will definitely have no obstacles to disappear from the face of this Earth. I know Arman will miss me and that pains me, and I will miss him dearly, but the pain of losing one’s parents is more tolerable than the pain of losing one’s child. Arman would understand why I wanted to leave in order to unite with Shahdi, to see her again, to hear her voice, to hear her laughter, to gaze at her beautiful perfect face and those gorgeous eyes.  Ah, Shahdi joon, how I miss you my love!  My kind talented responsible baby girl…

Colossal Tragedy at Home

Today is Tuesday, December 31, 2013, New Year’s Eve. Exactly five weeks ago from today (Nov. 26), my life changed forever and I was forced to face the most horrifically challenging event in my life.

I drove to Lincoln after working all day in Omaha and got home at around 5:20PM.  I parked my car in the garage, entered the mud room, then the laundry room, and then walked through the family room towards the kitchen. The lights were on, so was the TV, and Shahdi’s PC was playing music. I called Shahdi but got no answer. Once I reached the kitchen table, I saw something in my peripheral vision on my left; turned to the left and saw something that seemed surreal: Shahdi was standing there with her back to me. But that was not all. There were two cables hanging from the upstairs’ railing, there also was the small black ottoman behind Shahdi. What did that mean?  No, I could not believe what I was seeing. I must be mistaken. This could not be what I thought it could be. No way!  I ran towards Shahdi calling her. I looked down; her feet seemed to be touching the floor. I looked up; her eyes were half open, saliva drooling from her half open mouth. I called her again thinking she was playing a prank on me. But there was no response.