Reality of Dreams

Every night before I close my eyes, I say goodnight to Shahdi. I tell her how desperately I miss her. I tell her how much I love her. Sometimes I get more emotional and shed some tears in silence, not to alert Mehrdad because I do not wish to upset him by disturbing his mental equilibrium right before falling asleep. Last night, my emotions became overwhelming. Maybe because I had just heard about the sudden death of the son of a coworker, who happened to share Shahdi's birth year. While I was struggling to reign in my emotions, I begged Shahdi to comfort me by visiting me in my dreams. I told her I needed her. I needed her touch, her support, her love.  I asked her to come to  me. Shortly afterwards, I fell asleep.

A few hours later, my dream, of connecting with Shahdi in my dream, came true. I vividly remember it. I was with Shahdi and Mehrdad. Shahdi was a five- or six-month-old infant in my arms. I had wrapped her in a soft blanket and was breastfeeding her. She just had a diaper on and I was asking Mehrdad to get her onesie so we could dress her as soon as she was done. Mehrdad was sitting next to me. I was holding Shahdi close to my chest and experiencing this wonderful feeling of warmth and contentment.  I was watching her breastfeeding as she was spilling some milk from the corner of her mouth. When she was done, I changed her position to burp her and she had her head in the crook of my neck with her arms around my neck. It was the most fulfilling and satisfying feeling in the world to have your baby cling to you in such a fashion. Her soft and warm body was filling my soul with utter happiness. 

Unfortunately, my bliss was short-lived because my consciousness managed to penetrate my dream to remind me that I was dreaming. I was so upset with my state of awareness for not granting me a short reprieve from my grief and longing for my lost child. As my consciousness forced me to leave Shahdi behind and return to reality, my first thought was that Shahdi had indeed appeared in my dream to comfort me, just as I had asked her before falling asleep. I suppose I will never know whether it was my subconscious that conjured up this dream to soothe my spirit, or if it was Shahdi's spirit who had heard me and was responding to my plea. 

Regardless of the root cause of this dream, I am grateful I was able to experience holding my infant child once more in my arms for a few second, in my dream. I always felt a very special connection with my children while I breastfed them and it was wonderful to rekindle some of that connection, even if only in a fleeting dream.