قلب شکسته

از لحظه ای که صبح چشمهایم را میگشایم

 تا شب که با التماس بخشش از شادی چشمهایم را میبندم،

 به این واقعیت واقفم که

 دخترم در قید حیات نیست و قلب مهربانش برای همیشه از طپش افتاده است. 

ولیکن گاهی اوقات این حقیقت چنان مرا از خودبی خود می کند 

که احساس می کنم قلبم خالی شده 

و در سینه ام فرومی ریزد

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart tonight. Thinking of the what-ifs. Thinking of my beautiful daughter who is gone forever. Missing her so much that my heart hurts.

Maddison got married today. I saw a few pictures of her, Haley, Jordan and Logan at her wedding. All of them were Shahdi's childhood friends. Maddi wore an off-white strapless gown. She looked beautiful. I remember when Shahdi and Maddi were in elementary school, whenever Shahdi cleaned out her closet getting rid of some clothes that she no longer liked, Maddi was eager to take home Shahdi's discards! She was over at our house so much that she once told me she had the power, just like Shahdi, to talk Mehrdad into getting her whatever she asked for! Or, at least, Mehrdad gave them that impression.

When Shahdi was in middle school, for a while she made sketches of her favorite wedding dress. When she got to high-school, she even bought a couple of wedding dresses from a second-hand shop in town. We have pictures of her wearing one of them which had a long train. However, she used to wear the short one to her dance class in her senior year. The latter was also her dress of choice when she embarked on her final journey.

My heart is very heavy tonight with regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and the obliterated future of my beloved child. Shahdi could have been at Maddi's wedding today, standing next to Haley and Jordan in the pictures, but alas, her beautiful face will not grace any pictures ever again. No more selfies, no more trips to Walgreens for makeup, no more of anything. :-(

Daydream

Tonight I was sitting in my parents' living-room, listening to my mother's story about a funny incident which had happened in her youth. As I was looking at her and her animated facial expressions as she was relating her experience to me, I suddenly felt the urge to look around the living-room and vividly imagine my grandmother, Mamani, Aunt Fakhri, Ame Jon Azize, Aunt Nahid and of course, my beloved Shahdi, sitting around the room, also attentively listening to my mom's story. For a few seconds my imagination took me over and I in fact could picture all of them in the room with us. I started to grin inwardly and felt warm and content. It was such a wonderful dream while awake. Once reality hit me again, I looked at my mom and wondered how she would react if I told her about my daydream. I did not share my thoughts with her because I didn't wish to dampen her spirit but I know that our little tête-à-tête would have blossomed into a jubilant, loud and cheerful gathering, had those beloved ladies been present too. If Mamani and Shahdi had been there, my life would have been simply perfect. They are out of sight but not out of my mind and heart.