To state that my life changed drastically when I became a mother is an understatement. One area that changed for me was my sudden interest in autumn because of Halloween, Thanksgiving, birthdays and Christmas. The entire fall season was filled with non-stop happy events which occurred in sequence. My most favorite of all was Halloween when Shahdi and Arman would invite their friends and go out trick-or-treating as a group dressed in cute costumes.
Today was the third Christmas without Shahdi around. Lying in bed this morning, I kept my eyes closed for a few minutes, remembering the old Christmas mornings when the kids were young. Shahdi was always an early riser and the first to get up on Christmas day. She used to be so excited about Christmas and opening presents that within half an hour after waking up, she would go and wake up Arman, and then they both would come to our room to wake us up. This morning, I tried to relive those precious moments from the past, however, the memories were unable to raise my enthusiasm about the day ahead.
Now, the day is almost over and I am sort of glad it is. We survived another Halloween, Thanksgiving, birthday and Christmas without Shahdi. Not that it was easy because it certainly was not, at least not for me. And now the challenge of autumn is over until next year.
If it were up to me, I would have preferred to skip this season altogether. The ordinary life is hard enough without our beautiful daughter, but the holiday season makes it even harder, particularly her birthdays. How one of the happiest days of my life has now turned into a day of mourning! How the girl who brought us so much joy and happiness suddenly left us in sorrow and pain!
If it were not for Arman, I would have totally ignored the entire holiday season. I feel guilty that I am not as enthusiastic as I used to be about any of these events. Our Christmas tree has kept shrinking since Shahdi's departure and it has gone from an elegant, fully decorated eight-foot tree to a two-foot fiber optic tree with absolutely no decorations! I didn't even feel like hanging up the stockings by the fireplace this year. I simply did not feel like decorating the house. I did not have the motivation to do so, and I feel bad about it because I know I should have done it for Arman. But, I could not. I just did not wish to act and put up a fake facade. I suppose Arman would understand that losing a child is very difficult to bear and alters one's life forever. I am very sorry that his life is also negatively affected by Shahdi's hasty decision. I wish I could be a better actress and pretend that I have left Shahdi in the past and moved on with my life. But, I was never a fake person and never will be.
I prefer to be honest about my feelings and how painful it is to be alive, knowing my child is not.
Well, Christmas day is almost over. Tomorrow when I open my eyes, I do not have to miss Shahdi's presence on Christmas day. Tomorrow I can return to my normal grief, not the escalated grief I felt through the holiday season due to all reminders of family, children returning home for the holidays, mothers spending time with their daughters during the holidays, etc. Tomorrow life will return to normal - a life with our daughter missing.
I love you Shahdi joon and you are forever on my mind.
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