Similar Grief

I had always considered myself very privileged for having lived this long without being directly affected by any wars. My grandparents lived through both World Wars. My parents saw the effects of WWII as children, and later endured the horrors of the Iran-Iraq war in the eighties. However, they are still lucky that none of their children ​has perished in ​any ​type of​ bloodshed.  I personally have always been against wars, physical violence and destruction and preferred to resolve problems through diplomacy and discussion rather than force.  Perhaps I feel this way because I had never had to face high levels of injustice, poverty, discrimination, violence, oppression, and bondage. 

When Arman was born, I realized that because of his gender, he might someday be drafted, against his will, to participate in a war.  That realization bothered me for a long time. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I would do everything in my power to prevent such an incident from taking place.  I decided I would not allow my children to be a pawn in the hands of the politicians and be forced to give up their precious life over territorial or economic ​disputes.  The loss of my children in a war would have been an insignificant event to the world at large, but of utmost significance to me in my small world.  I was determined not to allow anybody exchange my offspring with a folded flag, a potential piece of metal (a medal) and a reserved space in a particular cemetery. Presently, there is no need to worry about this threat to my children's life, with one already gone.  Although, the other natural threats (disease, accidents, etc.) still exist to claim the life of the other one. Hopefully, that will not happen in my lifetime.

​Lately, I have been thinking of the parents of the fallen soldiers throughout the human history. I wonder if their grief over the loss of their sons or daughters was any different from mine. I wonder if they were given as much space and time to deal with their loss. Were they expected to recover quickly from their grief simply because their son/daughter died in serving their country? Was this expectation valid or even just?  How are the parents of the Syrian or Iraqi soldiers killed by ISIS feeling right now? Apart from feeling outraged over the unjust murder of their sons, do they feel a similar grief to mine over the loss of their children, or are they more focused on revenge than grief? If that is the case, will the pursuit of revenge or justice help them get over their grief faster by channeling their emotions on to a different path?

I am trying to understand if the loss of one's child to a higher purpose or cause would affect the grieving process in any way.  If one's child is one of many who passed away on a battle field. Does the simultaneous grief by a group of parents help one's personal grief journey?  I personally think the circumstances which lead to the death of one's child are not that ​important because the end result is the same​, and the longing for the lost child remains the same. Perhaps, in such cases, having a support group of people who are experiencing the same pain at the same time would be extremely helpful. However, beyond that ​initial camaraderie, the reality remains the same that one's child is gone and out-of-sight forever.

​Reflecting on the bereaved parents, who ​had ​lost their children to different causes over the entire human history and survived their loss, is ​really not helpful to me​ at all. The bottom line is the inhumanness of the loss of one's child, the realization that she no longer exists and she can no longer breathe, feel, speak, taste, see or hear.  It doesn't matter if she died by suicide, or exploded aboard a jetliner, or was blown into pieces by a missile, or drowned in a capsized ferry, or murdered in her school by a mentally-ill individual, or killed by a natural disaster, or by a disease. At the end, the beloved child has expired and never to be seen or heard from again. 

Therefore, I truly believe there are no causes worthy of the absolutely precious life of my children or anybody else’s children.  A living person can continue working towards a goal and target, but what can a dead person accomplish?  Nothing - unless someone uses only his/her name in pursuit of the same cause or a different one. 

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